Argonath RPG - A World of its own
Argonath RPG Community => Speakerbox => Forum Games => Topic started by: Altair_Carter on May 03, 2009, 08:56:44 pm
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Greetings!
I decided to start this topic for everyone to post some funny jokes and stories, you found over Internet! And please, Let them really be FUNNY.
"Once apon a time, a bear walked through the forest
Suddenly, he saw a car, which was burning on flames
He approached to the car, sat in it and burned dead"
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"Once apon a time, a bear walked through the forest
Suddenly, he saw a car, which was burning on flames
He approached to the car, sat in it and burned dead"
I don't get it? :poke:
IRL story:
I entered backdoor instead of bathroom, and about to pee there :S
The backdoor is beside bathroom (I live in Condominium)
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"Once apon a time, a bear walked through the forest
Suddenly, he saw a car, which was burning on flames
He approached to the car, sat in it and burned dead"
hahaha, that's my type of humour! Made my day
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Theres a daddy tomato, a mummy tomato and a baby tomato.
The baby tomato falls behind while walking across the kitchen bentch,
The daddy one turnss around steps on it and says catch up.
:D
How do you fit 5 charazards, 2 blastoises and a pikachu into a small bus?
You Pok'emon...........
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Funny pick up lines for guys to say to girls:
Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Was your dad a baker? Cuz you got nice buns :)
Was your dad a thief? Cuz you just stole my heart :)
I got some good laughs today saying that to some chicks haha
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Theres a daddy tomato, a mummy tomato and a baby tomato.
The baby tomato falls behind while walking across the kitchen bentch,
The daddy one turnss around steps on it and says catch up.
:D
How do you fit 5 charazards, 2 blastoises and a pikachu into a small bus?
You Pok'emon...........
How dare you joking about pokemons. Don't you know they will rule our earth in the next 1000 years?
You should be a shamed ...
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Im actually a Pokemon nut and expert battler ;)
Anyways, lets just spam this topic with all sorts of funny jokes.
3 Girls are going out for Prom Night, and they go to their dad before leaving
Girl1: I'm going out with Pete to eat
Dad: ok
**Girl1 leaves
Girl2: I'm going out with Lance to dance
Dad: ok
**Girl2 leaves
Girl3: And I'm going out with Chuck to-
Dad: NO! You stay here!
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2 people having sex in a Hotel
Girl: Honey, am I really the only girl you brought here?
Guy: Yes, babe... why'd you ask?
Girl: The hotel staff say you always come here
Guy: Oh, that, you're the only one who's a girl.
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3 Guys and a Genie 1
There are 3 guys on an island, survivors of a plane crash. They find a bottle and release a genie inside it, who grants them 3 wishes
Guy1: I wish I was eating dinner at home!
BANG, the next thing he knows is that he's eating dinner with his family.
1 WISH LEFT
Guy2: I wish I was in disneyland!
BANG, the next thing he knows is that he's outside the gate of Disneyland.
1 WISH LEFT
Guy3: I'm lonely, can you bring them back here?
BANG
0 WISHES LEFT
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Husband: Wife, why do you wear a bra? Your **** are so small.
Wife: And why are you wearing brief?
PWNED!
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3 Guys and a Genie 2
3 guys are wandering in the desert, and they come across 3 lakes with a shrine in the middle. The 3 guys enter the shrine, and encounter a genie.
Genie: Each of the three of you can turn those lakes into whatever you want, but only once! Just step in the lakes and shout what you want them to be!
Guy1: ...Vodka!
BANG, the first lake became vodka
Guy2: Beer!
BANG, the second lake become beer
The third guy just wanted his lake to stay as water, but while he was going into the lake, he tripped on a banana peel.
Guy3: Oh shit!
BANG- *shploit*
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A rich woman calls her driver to her room.
"Jenkins, take off my bra", she says in a low voice
**Jenkins takes off her bra
Woman: Jenkins, take off my panty.
**Jenkins takes off her panty
Woman: And take off my stockings.
**Jenkins takes off her stockings
Woman: Jenkins, if I catch you wearing my underwear again, you're fired.
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2 people having sex in a Hotel
Girl: Honey, am I really the only girl you brought here?
Guy: Yes, babe... why'd you ask?
Girl: The hotel staff say you always come here
Guy: Oh, that, you're the only one who's a girl.
Hmmmmm, :lol:
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A nice afternoon, good weather, sun shining, no clouds, absolutely blue sky.
Suddenly, someone slipped from the balcony and fell off it, falling to death. But suddenly, with wonder, he grabbed some pole and didn't died.
Sadly, that wonder hurt alot during the next week...
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ROFL JDC at the Hotel one!
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(http://img49.imageshack.us/img49/9499/1221460521808gx6.png)
Cracks me up every time.
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<Text>
3 Guys and a Genie 1
There are 3 guys on an island, survivors of a plane crash. They find a bottle and release a genie inside it, who grants them 3 wishes
Guy1: I wish I was eating dinner at home!
BANG, the next thing he knows is that he's eating dinner with his family.
1 WISH LEFT
Guy2: I wish I was in disneyland!
BANG, the next thing he knows is that he's outside the gate of Disneyland.
1 WISH LEFT
Guy3: I'm lonely, can you bring them back here?
BANG
0 WISHES LEFT
<Text>
That's Thai's jokes :eek:
Where you get that jokes from? I'm gonna flame that person! :mad:
:ps: Nice jokes :lol:
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A Mama cow is talking to her kids.
Kid 1: Mom, why did you name me daisy?
Mom: Because when you were born, a daisy landed on your head.
Kid 2: Mom, why did you name me rose?
Mom: Because when you were born a rose landed on your head.
Kid 3: (retarded voice)Nubublagflabasdat
Mom: Shut up, cinder block!
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A Mama cow is talking to her kids.
Kid 1: Mom, why did you name me daisy?
Mom: Because when you were born, a daisy landed on your head.
Kid 2: Mom, why did you name me rose?
Mom: Because when you were born a rose landed on your head.
Kid 3: (retarded voice)Nubublagflabasdat
Mom: Shut up, cinder block!
:lol:
ok this guy comes from russia (not making fun of no 1)
he goes to a corner store and asked for a pack of gum but because of his aceint he said BUM
he buys the gum and leaves
the russian man walked down a few blocks
the russian man goes into a hardware store and askes for a bucket but coz of the aceint he said FUCKIT he buys the bucket and leaves
the man walks down the street and enters a pet store and wanted to buy a cockaspainyel (idk how to spell that dogs name) he buys the dog and leaves the room
the man leaves the pet store and his dog ran away
so he said
sir, can you hold my bum(gum) and fuckit(bucket) while i catch me cock and spankit
:lol: my bro told me this joke
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Funny pick up lines for guys to say to girls:
Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
i dont get it? :neutral:
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What's red and bad for your teeth?
A Brick.
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i dont get it? :neutral:
Uhm. Booner.
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i dont get it? :neutral:
When a pretty lady sits on your lap and you're straight/bi you usually get what adults call an erection. You see, a man has to get an erection to have intercourse with a woman to impregnate her, but it's a WHOOOLE different story.
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Found this one at an old World War 2 magazine.
Major General (addressing the men before practicing an attack in the training camp behind the front lines).
"I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REHEARSAL AND THE REAL THING.
THERE ARE THREE ESSENTIAL DIFFERENCES. FIRST, THE ABSENCE OF THE ENEMY.
NOW (turning to the Sergeant major), WHAT IS THE SECOND DIFFERENCE?
Sergeant Major: "THE ABSENCE OF THE GENERAL, SIR"
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When a pretty lady sits on your lap and you're straight/bi you usually get what adults call an erection. You see, a man has to get an erection to have intercourse with a woman to impregnate her, but it's a WHOOOLE different story.
why would somebody do a bad thing like 'intercourse'
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pretty old but here it goes
you know the sentence "nothing stands in front of a will" (or somth like that)
well some times the "Thing" doesn't stand so right/left hand starts to work and help it stand.
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An FBI Detective listens to an Audio file, recorded from a hidden equipment in a Prostitution centre.
Out of every 10 cases, 3 are : "Hi Mom"
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How professors grade their exam
Department of statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Department of psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Department of history:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Department of religion:
Grade is determined by God.
Department of philosophy:
What is a grade?
Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Department of mathematics:
Grades are variable.
Department of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Department of computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Department of physical education:
Everybody gets an A.
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whats yellow and brown ?
an african pichachu.
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A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
And another one
Let's face it, English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
And French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down.
And in which you fill in a form,
By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers.
And it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why,
When the stars are out, they are visible
But when the lights are out, they are invisible
And it's why when I wind up my watch,
It starts.
But when I wind up this poem,
It ends.
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How do you call a guy without left ear, left arm and left leg?
ALRIGHT !!!!!!!!!
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Once upon a time a man went to the doctor and told him:
The man: Doctor always when i sleep on night i see in my dreams a footbal ligue of cats and i don't know why
The Doctor: Try to not sleep today and do some activity
The Man: I can't , doctor.Because today is the final match
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Once upon a time 2 old grannys passed near a young guy :
The first granny said to the boy: Would you marry me?,
The young guy: I marry a dog and i would not marry you...
The second granny shouts: woof woof woof
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2 Old grannys had a night watching Wrestling on TV
The first granny turned off instantly the TV , So the second granny asked her "Why did you do that?" , The first granny answered: "They would kill each other if i didn't turn TV Off".
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Once a old granny went to a family that lost a young man on the family
The granny asked the father of the boy : How did he die , Sir?
The Father: His friend was playing By Deagle with him and he accidentally shooted on my son's head...
The granny: It's better that he didn't got it on his eyes...
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A old granny jumped on the ocean and suicided . Guess why? So people would say she was from titanic's victims.
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Once a time a teacher and a student , So :
Teacher: Student , Can you give me three animals that snake:
Student: Snake , Worm & My little brother...
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Once upon a time , an old granny hates herself , a day when she was walking on the streets , she felt down , So she said to herself: Good for you! hah
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Once a time , a guy sleeped too late on the night , he missed the dream
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Once a time a teacher Science a technology , When she had a baby , she named him : CO2
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Once a time , a kid said to his mom :
Kid: Mum , what's what on your stomache (She was pregnant)
Mother: It's your brother , Kid.
Kid: Why did you eat him !!!
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Teacher: Student , what are the 3 most used words at Students ?
Student: It's "I don't know".
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Teacher: Student , from where we import the tea (the teacher meant from Which country?)
Student: From the nighboors.
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Once a time , a school inspector entered a class to see how's the class , And the teacher wanted to sleep , So the teacher said: And like that the man sleeps...
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Once upon a time , a Man in army has his eyes turned (you know what i mean) , So the general putted him on the Random Shooting division...
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Once a time , an old granny went to the doctor and told him :
Granny:Doctor , i have a problem: each thing or object i see it i see it as 2 objects not only one
Doctor:Ok i will tell you what to do (Doctor writes some medical stuff to buy)
Granny: Thanks doctor , How much do i need to pay you?
Doctor: 40 dollars , Ma'am
* Granny takes out 20 dollars and gives it to the Doctor
Doctor: Ma'am you gave me 20 dollars not 40 dollars
Granny: I told you that each object i see i see it double , So it's 40 dollars , Sir...
* Doctor gets confused...
********************************************
Enjoy , xD !
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Once a time , a kid said to his mom :
Kid: Mum , what's what on your stomache (She was pregnant)
Mother: It's your brother , Kid.
Kid: Why did you eat him !!!
Thai's jokes :trust:
Good job Duncan :razz:
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Thai's jokes :trust:
Good job Duncan :razz:
That's not yours ;)
Thank you btw :P
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That's not yours ;)
Thank you btw :P
Ye, it's not mine but it's Thai's jokes :poke:
:razz:
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Ye, it's not mine but it's Thai's jokes :poke:
:razz:
Again the shit "OMG THAI JOKES, RUSSIAN JOKES, ARGO JOKES LOLOLOLOLFUNUSINGCAPS"
Seriously, it can't be someone's privately or which someone alone created a joke, everyone has same equals.
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Again the shit "OMG THAI JOKES, RUSSIAN JOKES, ARGO JOKES LOLOLOLOLFUNUSINGCAPS"
Seriously, it can't be someone's privately or which someone alone created a joke, everyone has same equals.
Complain in here:
PM (http://www.argonathrpg.eu/forum/index.php?action=pm;sa=send;u=3891)
Windows Live (http://cid-e61f5685d12cceb2.profile.live.com/)
ICQ (http://www.icq.com/people/about_me.php?uin=591087147)
AIM (http://aim:goim?screenname=Paradise067&message=Hi.+Are+you+there?)
Yahoo (http://webmessenger.yahoo.com/?im=james067paradise)
email
etc.
NOT here
We are just talking normal, we don't have problem about that
What is the point of this saying "OMG Thai's Jokes, Argo's jokes, Russian's jokes"?????????? < 10 Question marks...
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Ye, it's not mine but it's Thai's jokes :poke:
:razz:
Nope you're wrong ;) , We all in our country know this joke
So not you or Thai invented it , Ok :) ?
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Nope you're wrong ;) , We all in our country know this joke
So not you or Thai invented it , Ok :) ?
Ye, I know that :razz:
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PM (http://www.argonathrpg.eu/forum/index.php?action=pm;sa=send;u=3891)
Windows Live (http://cid-e61f5685d12cceb2.profile.live.com/)
ICQ (http://www.icq.com/people/about_me.php?uin=591087147)
AIM (http://aim:goim?screenname=Paradise067&message=Hi.+Are+you+there?)
Yahoo (http://webmessenger.yahoo.com/?im=james067paradise)
COOL, New opportunities for spam.
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Say "im a man" after every sentence
You head to the bar for a drink
You watch some Football
You meet this hot girl
You take her back to your house
You get it on with her
You get her number
When she leaves she says... :lol:
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Moved to forum games.
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once i felt like having a wank and i was sitting in my car which was parked and i wanked on my porn magazine and didnt know but the people in the hairdresser were watching me :lol:
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once i felt like having a wank and i was sitting in my car which was parked and i wanked on my porn magazine and didnt know but the people in the hairdresser were watching me :lol:
1. that's not funny.
2. you're a wanker and I have all rights to say it.
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1. that's not funny.
2. you're a wanker and I have all rights to say it.
Haha! :D
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
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LOL
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1. that's not funny.
2. you're a wanker and I have all rights to say it.
proud of it betch ;)
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Sorry for the bump but I couldn't resist posting this :D
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Complaint about a stolen mailbox:
Dispatcher: What is your address?
Caller: It's gone.
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Things to Remember During Police Work
1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft and helicopter were made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. If hit when using a PD Aircraft or Helicopter, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
10. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.
11. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
12. Smart bombs have bad days too.
13. The best defense is to stay out of range.
14. You are not Tom Cruise.
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This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
I like this xD :lol:
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When i was younger, i tought that Madonna comes from Latvia, city called Madona. I was sooo proud about that. but when i found out she's not...
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When i was younger, i tought that Madonna comes from Latvia, city called Madona. I was sooo proud about that. but when i found out she's not...
... what??
A man buys a can of fish or something.. Anything in a can. Then he asks: How to open it?
He gets an answer: The instructions are inside. :P
A bear finds 5 cents. He then goes and sees the rabbit to ask if its big money. The rabbit says yes yes, its very big money. the bear then goes shopping, fills his shopping cart with all kinds of goods and goes to the counter table, puts all the goods onto it and then gives the seller his 5 cents. the seller then makes big eyes and the bear asks: What? too big money to change?
sorry for my english grammar xd
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This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
This made me laugh my guts out :lol:
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(Convo between two guys) (Not mine, taken from Bash.org)
111:Damn, you know who can be a REAL Friend...?
222:?
111: He's not a guy who always come and drink a bottle of beer after heavy day
111: A real friend - the one, who not only will support you, when you're sad, but he'll also be really happy when you are.
111: The real friend - he's always close, even when he's far away
111: Real Friend - a man, for who wont be a pity to give a life for
111: Yeah, that's what the real friend is....
222: =)))
111: And you are an asshole, John...
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(Convo between two guys) (Not mine, taken from Bash.org)
111:Damn, you know who can be a REAL Friend...?
222:?
111: He's not a guy who always come and drink a bottle of beer after heavy day
111: A real friend - the one, who not only will support you, when you're sad, but he'll also be really happy when you are.
111: The real friend - he's always close, even when he's far away
111: Real Friend - a man, for who wont be a pity to give a life for
111: Yeah, that's what the real friend is....
222: =)))
111: And you are an asshole, John...
LMFAO !! :rofl:
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A Woman goes to a Psychologist -
Woman: Ive done a terrible sin, ive called a man a bastard.
Psychologist: Wow, why would you do such a thing ?
Woman: Well, He came up to me and started to kiss me.
Psychologist: Like this ? *Kisses her*
Woman: Yes, But then he started to undress me.
Psychologist: Like this ? *Undresses her*
Woman: Yes, Then he made love to me.
Psychologist: Like this ? *Has sex with her*
Woman: Yes, Then he told me he had Aids.
Psychologist: THAT BASTARD!
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A cat always falls to its feet, right? and a sandwich always falls the butter side down, right?
What if we stick a sandwich onto a cat's back and then drop it?
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A cat always falls to its feet, right? and a sandwich always falls the butter side down, right?
What if we stick a sandwich onto a cat's back and then drop it?
(http://img241.imageshack.us/img241/1182/1207484843830dp2.gif)
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lol I wasn't aware of this lol xd
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A Woman goes to a Psychologist -
Woman: Ive done a terrible sin, ive called a man a bastard.
Psychologist: Wow, why would you do such a thing ?
Woman: Well, He came up to me and started to kiss me.
Psychologist: Like this ? *Kisses her*
Woman: Yes, But then he started to undress me.
Psychologist: Like this ? *Undresses her*
Woman: Yes, Then he made love to me.
Psychologist: Like this ? *Has sex with her*
Woman: Yes, Then he told me he had Aids.
Psychologist: THAT BASTARD!
LOL
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A translation from latvian.
During lesson funny guy John f**kme annoys teacher.
Suddenly teacher goes angry and screams : f**kme near blackboard!!!
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Been stuck with this bloody crossword all day: ''Famous Jewish Baker'', 5 and 6 letters. Got it in the end - Adolf Hitler.
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Been stuck with this bloody crossword all day: ''Famous Jewish Baker'', 5 and 6 letters. Got it in the end - Adolf Hitler.
OH MY GOD LOL
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Been stuck with this bloody crossword all day: ''Famous Jewish Baker'', 5 and 6 letters. Got it in the end - Adolf Hitler.
O_o
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Has anyone ever noticed that “studying†- is “student†and “dying†put together?
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maybe it's stud and dying?
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maybe it's stud and dying?
Was just about to say that :|
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Been stuck with this bloody crossword all day: ''Famous Jewish Baker'', 5 and 6 letters. Got it in the end - Adolf Hitler.
:rofl: LMFAO
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A lawyer, Michael Jackson and 20 kids are on a plane. The plane is about to crash. The lawyer says "Screw the children and let's go"
Michael replies "I know, but will we have enough time?"
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A lawyer, Michael Jackson and 20 kids are on a plane. The plane is about to crash. The lawyer says "Screw the children and let's go"
Michael replies "I know, but will we have enough time?"
LOL
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yo mommas so fat they went to an airport and she got busted for 200kg's of crack -- boom boom shhh
yo mommas so old she sat behind jesus in 3rd grade
yo mommas so fat she had to get baptised at sea world
yo mommas so fat she plays pool with the planets
there was once a boy named George, george walks in on his mum stuffing a chicken and she sliced her finger and yells fuck! George says, what does that mean? his mum says its another word for stuffing a chicken. he walks in the shower and overhears his parents saying stick your penis in my vagina he asks...what is a penis and a vagina? his mum says its another word for hats and coats. his parents have an arguement and the mother calls the father a b*stard and the husband calls the wife a b*tch, he asks what does that mean? they say b*tch is a polite way of saying woman and b*stard is a polite way of saying man. the next morning he walks into his dad shaving and his dad cuts himself and says SHIT and the son asks what is that? he says it is a type of shaving cream.
So George prepares a script to say to the family when they arrive at thanksgiving. it goes like this:
Hello b*tches and b*stards, may i take your penis' and vaginas? my parents will be ready shortly, my mum is in the kitchen fucking a chicken and my dad is in the bathroom wiping shit all over his face, so if you would join me in the living room until they are ready would be good.
i like being immature :D
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Argonath math test (LA high school exam)
Johnny has an AK47. If he misses 6 shots out of 10 and every time shoots 15 times toward a car. How many cars does he has to shoot, so he would hit 50 people.
Little Willy got 6 years for murder. He got $25000 for it. If her wife spends $250 every month, then how much money does he have left, when he gets out of prison. And how much does he do time, for killing a bitch, who spent his money?
Kathy gets $125 for every illegal migrant she brings over border. For six nights she brought 3 guys each night over border, but then one of them took her 500$ and dissapeared. How much money Kathy have?
Hector got 5 girls from his gang pregnant. In their gang there is total 27 girls. In what percentage of girls Hector had his way? And how the percentage changes, if really Hector got pregnant only 3 girls, 2 of them are on the count of his right hand Victor, and what will happen to Victor, if Hector finds out?
If usually one spray-can covers 22 square feet and normal letter takes 8 square feet, then how many letters can teenager make with 8 spray-can
Willie gets $200 for a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a Land Rover. If he has grand theft auto 2 BMW and 3 Land Rovers then how many Chevy's does he has to steal, to get 800$?
Paul has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells 10 gram of it to Jackson for $820 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 dollars per gram. What is the average price of cocaine on the street?
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A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were
asked if they would ever sleep with President
Clinton. 60% said, 'Never again!'
In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of
a man's penis was
larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded
that the reason the
head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure
during sex.
After the study was published, the University of South Carolina
decided to do their own
study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that
the reason was to
give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted
their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was
to keep a man's
hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it
is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy
it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I
have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit
again, you're in my closet now."
That's all :cool:
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lmao saxin @ the and one :D
www.fmylife.com - many funny things that actually happened to ppl.
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I really lol'd at this one:
One of my apartment neighbors was dead for 5 days without anyone knowing it. And I was joking to the other neighbors he was probably dead.
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Your mom is so fat that she is registered as a Semi-truck.
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Your mom is so fat that she is registered as a Semi-truck.
Not funny -,-
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A professor is sent to darkest part of Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them. He teaches them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
:lol:
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LOL :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
-
A professor is sent to darkest part of Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them. He teaches them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
:lol:
A lawyer, Michael Jackson and 20 kids are on a plane. The plane is about to crash. The lawyer says "Screw the children and let's go"
Michael replies "I know, but will we have enough time?"
lold
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Alright just this tiny thing before I start, in Islam there are 6 parts in heaven, like levels.. and god is in the last level, which is the 6th
There was this guy, and he was a sinner.
Before he died, he gave a penny to an old poor woman.
When he went to the sky, Gabriel (An angel) told him: Your a sinner you go into Hell !!
The guy: But I gave this lady a penny, i did a good thing !!
Gabriel: Okay but u stay in the first level of heaven
The guys reaches the next level:
The guy: I dont deserve to be here, I want a further level !!!! and tells the story about his penny.
The guy reaches the 3rd level:
The guy: I dont deserve to be here, I want a further level !!! and tells the story about his penny.
And etc... till he reached 6th level
The guy to GOD: I gave this old woman a Penny and I deserve to be in the 7th level
God to Gabriel (The angel) : Give him his penny and tell him to GTFO
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Alright just this tiny thing before I start, in Islam there are 6 parts in heaven, like levels.. and god is in the last level, which is the 6th
There was this guy, and he was a sinner.
Before he died, he gave a penny to an old poor woman.
When he went to the sky, Gabriel (An angel) told him: Your a sinner you go into Hell !!
The guy: But I gave this lady a penny, i did a good thing !!
Gabriel: Okay but u stay in the first level of heaven
The guys reaches the next level:
The guy: I dont deserve to be here, I want a further level !!!! and tells the story about his penny.
The guy reaches the 3rd level:
The guy: I dont deserve to be here, I want a further level !!! and tells the story about his penny.
And etc... till he reached 6th level
The guy to GOD: I gave this old woman a Penny and I deserve to be in the 7th level
God to Gabriel (The angel) : Give him his penny and tell him to GTFO
nice
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nice
I know its bad, its only funny in arabic way :(
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A professor is sent to darkest part of Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them. He teaches them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
:lol:
LOL Thats a good one ;D
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Today, some girl punched me in the face and left a huge purple bruise. Apparently her boyfriend has been cheating on her with me because she always sees him walking me home. Her boyfriend is my older brother who didn't bother telling her who I was because "he wanted to see what she would do.
www.fmylife.com (http://www.fmylife.com) these are all reallife stories
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Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
The following questions were set in last years GCSE examination in England.
These are genuine answers from 16 year olds, not very bright, but entertaining, 16 year olds.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Q. Give the meaning of the term Caesarean section
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word benign mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
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Your momma's so fat she works in the cinema as a screen ^.^
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Post Merge: April 17, 2010, 06:05:20 pm
A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."
The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."
The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."
The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"
The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."
The guy says, "Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"
The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"
-
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
:rofl:
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A Teacher asks a student:
Tell me the name of the bird by looking at its leg.
Student: I dont know sir.
Teacher: You have failed, tell me your name.
The student shows his leg, "Find out yourself"...
================
Boyfriend: Shall i play with your b**bs?
Girl: No
Boyfriend: Shall i play with your b**bs?
Girl: No
Boyfriend: Shall i play with your b**bs?
Girl: No
Boyfriend: Shall i play with your b**bs?
Girl takes off 2 melons out of her shirt, " Here, enjoy!"
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i was rubbing up a friend at her house and i didnt know but her dad was standing behind us and could see my hand under the towel and moving around :S
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A redneck, a mexican and a black guy was sitting in a bar.
They had a pretty good time despite their cultural differences.
-
Lies, impossible.
-
A redneck, a mexican and a black guy was sitting in a bar.
They had a pretty good time despite their cultural differences.
hahahahaaha
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Your momma's so fat she works in the cinema as a screen ^.^
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Post Merge: April 17, 2010, 06:05:20 pm
A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."
The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."
The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."
The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"
The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."
The guy says, "Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"
The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"
awhahwahh
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A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.
After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"
"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.
"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.
"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."
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Under no circumstances i am being racist. Its just qoutes from facebook groups. If facebook allows it, im pretty sure its fine here to. I find it funny, so im sharing it with others.
"KFC. Made by the white. Eaten by the Black. Served by the Asians."
"White people get grounded. Black people get beats. Asians get sold."
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wanna hear a joke? .......... Womens rights SNAP! BANG!
wanna hear a funny joke? ......... asians are everywhere at the zoo, they are trying to communicate with the monkeys to see if they are relatives and trying to find their way to the whale part to catch a feed (not by stof..by raymond :P)
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wanna hear a funny joke? ......... asians are everywhere at the zoo, they are trying to communicate with the monkeys to see if they are relatives and trying to find their way to the whale part to catch a feed (not by stof..by raymond :P)
Not funny.
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An african wild guy, comes to america, and sees a marathon going on but he dosn't know anything about it..
He looks around, and notices all of them are running and he taps one guy near him who was looking it to, and says:
Hello, mind telling me what's going on here?
The guy answers :
Well, you see it's a marathon. Who's first win.
The african guy says :
Uhuhm, then why the others are running?
anyway here's another
Britney and Justin, was walking around the beach when studenntly Justin says :
Aww britney look at that dead birdie...
*she looks up in the sky*
Where?!
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I dont get the first one :(
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From a mother, with love
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
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Fuckin lolld :rofl:
Especially at:
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
-
LOL This ones quite good xD -
It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died? he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
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haha Spikmun, that is good :P
-
This one is good xD -
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
-
OMG spikmun! that is funny! ROFl you got some nice jokes!
what do you call cheese that's not yours?..........
Not'yo cheese!!
-
Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were
sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the
elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb
75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and
Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by
concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25
flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can
tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill
stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor
Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will
tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in
the car!"
Jesus makes 20 and God wants to make him a present. He reminds that his son never had a sexual relation and gives him the best whore he could find. Jesus goes with here in a room:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Terrible sounds come from that room. God goes in to see what