Why I should be unbanned: Honestly there isn't much I can say as to that other then that I have come to understand some deeper feelings of mine that I feel can keep this from happening again. The most I can say other then that, is that I am sorry.
I was asked to be banned because I don't want to be here anymore.
Klaus has ruined this game for me.
I will not even attempt to come back as long as klaus is head admin.
there is little more the be said that doesn't express my hate for klaus.
The last thing I will say is that I think Klaus is a bad admin.
| Your going to need to a lot more than | I am sorry. | to be unbanned. |
On paper your a bad adminExcuse me?
The things I said were biased opinnions of a person who had done things to me which I didn't like and had no respect for.You took faulty opinions from a person that *did things* that you didn't like and had no respect for? Your bringing someone else into this now. Either name them and explain, or you leave them out of it completely.
I would really appreciate a reply just to tell me what your thinkingRob. I'm sure you know that what you did was much more than what an average player does when enraged. I'm pretty much sure that you are well aware that you dug yourself a very deep hole doing what you did. It seems you grew more and more hate towards me and when aXXo banned you, you felt you'd carry on elsewhere. I remember you being very chuffed with yourself stating that you know many players stationed at some place-no-one-cares-about sharing your opinions. You was very focused on trying to make me look like the bad guy. You even posted a topic on the VCMP forum stating false propaganda. Luckily I have my connections and had it cleared before it did mislead people. Now I'm just reading this request, and all I'm seeing is:
I'm not taking anything back.
I can't say that my opinions have changed
I would just change by subnet and IP, make a new name and just start over...You do not regret the things you said and done and you won't take them back. You still hold the same opinions on myself, other certain admins and players, and the server itself; those opinions being the reason you were banned. Then you go on about how you will change your IP and evade your ban. I don't think I have to explain how this is drifting towards a denial.
I know that I don't need to keep replying, I just had a bit of a realization... I wanted everyone to see it.That's a big, and in some parts contraditory, statement...
As you all know, following my ban I've been playing SAMP. I've also been playing some new servers on VCMP. Today I went on a server and they were all total assholes. The admins thought they were better then everyone else, and the regulars thought they were better then newbies. Everyone was just competting to rob each other the most.
As I write this I'm quite near tears. This made me think about everything I said about Klaus. The thing is, that he's nothing like that. And neither are the players here. This is the friendliest server I've ever been on. All the admins are held acountable, everyone has to watch what they do/say. On SAMP nothing is like that, and even on any other VCMP servers. What I'm saying is that this is not a perfect server. But it's the best, not only in terms of the admins that I was mean to, but in all other ways. I was wrong, I assumed I knew everything.
I was wrong for what I said, I was wrong for what I did before that. I think I've made it obvious that I've changed somehow. I really want to show that change to everyone here, but I haven't had a chance. Every day I feel worse about not being here, and every day I realise these facts more and more. Please give me a second chance. I know that you won't trust me 100%, but what damage could I really do in such a short time. Just a chance, a chance. I feel so cheesy saying these things about a game, I really do. I sometimes think that's why you don't trust me. But I am an emotional person. I want to come back and show the good side of that. And most of all, I want to earn your trust back.
I know that I haven't posted in anything but this, I'm just heart broken. I honest to god don't like saying this, but just cut me a break. Please just give me that extra benefit of the doubt. I don't know that I would unban myself right now. But I know that I won't let you down. It takes so much every day to not change my name and start over. I honestly don't see why I don't. The only reason is that I want the trust. That I couldn't lie to my friends about who I am That I want to be honest. And that I want you to know that everything I am writing is honest. I seriosuly debate sitting here all day and just writing here That it's as close to talking as I will ever get.
I can't do anything about this, I fell hopeless. I know that I don't deserve o cme back, that I took this for granted That Everyone else was perfectly happy, and that I always wanted more. That I started off on this server as a money cop. That I always joked in the wrong ways about being a cop. That I started off as a script abuser. I will make one admition, something that will lower my chances, but god willing will make you trust me. I did hack here for a short period It was short lived, but I am sorry. And I just want you all to know that I am sorry for that.
I run out of words but not out of will to write, you could probably just stop reading here. I want to ramble, to say as much as I can while I fell so humbled. I want you all to let me feel heard. Even if you can just read this, and as a friend send me a friendly message. want to hear from some of you guys outside other servers.
And to Klaus. I don't know that I will ever like you.. I think that much is a given. I've talked to some people, and they've had similar problems. They see someone that seems really cool, and for no apparent reason just don't like them. And I honestly think that about you, that you're a cool person. That you're smart, planning, and so much more. My mind doesn't seem to want to respect you for that. BUt I want you to know that I think you desere it, and that I want to provide that respect. If I can take it from ther with you maybe we can fix all these problems I seem to have with you.
It's sad for me, knowing that I can never be an admin here That I can never help the ways that I wanted to. I made a mistake once, and that was the first thing that ever stopped me. One of the main reasons that I got so mad at this server was because I tried so hard just to be a moderator. Putting in hours of gameplay and helping all the new players. As soon as I figured out that my ban was crippling me it broke my heart. I never forgave anyone on the server for that. I ws always mad at the admins. Thinking about how inactive they sometimes were. Pointing out every flaw. All the time thinking that I was better. Then I figured out who was in charge of it all. Naturally I formed a pretty major distrust and contempt towards him. My mind has done wierd things to this whole situation. Even now I feel partially right for hating klaus. But in my heart I know that I was wrong I just want to train mysel fout of this, and the only way that I can do that is to come back and confront soe things. I will promise you, with any and all honest ythat I have acquired during my stays here that if I even want to ell at anyone that I will just leave. I was always too stuborn, always trying to prove apoint I would never leave, but I will do that now if I need to If there's one thing I value more then my pride, it's my word. Please trust and hear me. Please forgive me Please try to understand my crazy ramblings. Please try to understand my feelings, no matter how wrong they were. Know that I acted wrongly, and that I accept that.
I stilll can't help but feel sad about the fact that I will never be an admin here. I found the root of my problem, and it does still sadden me. I've never wanted anything more then to help the server. Just for reasons of self fulfilment, of being neded. No noble reason of being helpful. In that desire I let myself hate everyone. And in that hatred, when I found the leader of all these problem s Id ediced it was all his falt.
I hope that everything I write at this moment counts for something Tahat it isn't just considered more rambling to get myself unabbned. I honestly feel that I want you to know this for emotional reasons. But honestly I do want this unban more then anything. There are reasons that i don't want to even try to come back, but none of those reasons are anyones fault. I simply want to do things that I no longer can.
his helpless feeling is the worst thing in the world, I don't care if it's a damn game This wanting to do something but not being able to. Honestly wanting to moderate the server. Honestly waning to help, but being crippled for so many stupid reasons. And no matter how those stupid reasons are, it is always my fault. I made soe mistakes, but I never wanted to hurt anyone. Not at the begiining. Now I just want to try and not be such a mean person.
I want to tr and make peace with my limits. I want to try and come back without that deadl motivation. I cannot simply let mself do this to everyone else. I am truly heart broken, I am truly sad. I feel like someone I loved just kicked me out when I got banned. I fealt even more like that when I tried to become a moderator. I never really expected it to work, but for whatever reasons, part of me needed it to. How I could ever think like that confuses even me. In a way me writing tis has been to find that. In a way this has been some poetic way, to still justify myself. don't want to justify myself, I do. Honestly I'm not sure if I do. I know that what I did shouldn';t be justified. But ina way I want to remain honest even after. But I don't deserve that. I lied far too much, even to myself about my problems with Klaus. In a way I didn't even know that I hated him because of my first ban.
I remember almost everytime on this server I've been kicked, I've always been the player that wants to be perfect in they eyes of the admins. I always wanted to impress someone Ina way I even wanted to impress Klaus by standing up for myself.
I want to say so much more, but can't think of many more words, please forgive me.