Dell's redemption

[DellStorm]

Hi guys and girls of Argonath.

 I write this message with two purposes. Honesty and integrity. I look to give yet again some inspiration and to cut into some demons which I have had to come to terms with. I hope people do not see it as attention seeking as I could have just left this as a journal entry but my hope is that at least one person reading this may look into it and do something different with their life.

I know a few things have been said and they cannot be unsaid. I take responsibility for all my actions be them good, bad, done with malicious intent, WS Louis knows what I mean. As does Caion. Caion looked at a log file on his server some time ago, in it he found messages that were less than leader like. He did speak to me about it but I wasn't man enough to embrace the concept and face change. Louis noticed something about my nature that was also less than leader like material. That was that even leaders have a weakness, can be greedy and selfish and bullying. He never forgave me for that action. What I was to learn later was that I had not only lost virtual money, but a key friend who like most of you reading this had great trust and respect for his leader.

I can often be said to have done things in a manner which is uncalled for. Dino knows this all too well. He has been my number one as has Leon, Senate and many others. He said something to me which cut to the truth. I had lost my sense of self. I had the power and with it Talya found what I could do with it. He mentioned several times that I was out of order. My thoughts? Looking back on those activities something else was driving me. It was my selfish nature to be better than everyone else. Whilst my thoughts were never to harm the people around me, I had not thought about the ripples made by my stones pulling people to pieces.

This was not always the case. For in the beginning I was kind, considerate gentle and helpful. What changed? Bitterness that I could not release. Bitterness of Murt, of people who had done hurtful things to me as I was coming into the ranks. I made peace with Murt, but I had not made peace with myself. I had always since my suspension been deflective of the samp management team. But I should have known and listened to what a fellow admin once said. A difficult to get along with but brutally honest person. Knowing what I now know I should have changed my belief system and made changes happen. But I only spoke about them, never followed them through. Every so often I would ask him what was going on, he would say there's this wrong and that wrong but it wasn't his job to fix it. I didn't like his mindset but I was also being a hypocrite.

I think there are times when everyone must look at themselves and say, am I doing the right thing. Well, my view was that I was. The thing was I wasn't doing enough. I got lazy, I lost my drive and became a person who was only interested in one thing. Mentoring. Instead of looking at the challenges in and around. Using what I had learnt and giving people the benefit of it, I didn't look at the bigger picture. I'm sorry for that. There are demons in all men, but to go the extra mile to cut where it matters is the start of my journey.

This is where the true progress is made. To help others you must first know yourself, know your strengths and your weaknesses. Be accountable for those weaknesses and bring them out. To challenge your beliefs and values. To be flexible and transparent. To be open and lead by example.

People know I did good during my time, that's true but the bad carries with it a heavier weight. A leader challenged my perspective. I wouldn't say he helped but he showed me something. He showed me what having power can do. To stop asking questions to challenge authority and to be ignorant of changes. I didn't see what he was doing. I was stubborn. He knows it. In fact I took it the other way and defied his wishes. Is that so different from the person Caion saw or Louis? I don't think so.

Over the past 18 months there's been significant changes. Lessons learnt, challenges overcome.  Demons faced. This is living. This is a part of life.

As many of you grow up, become into middle aged men, where will your life take you? I never thought I would be where I am today. Nor did I know of the strengths I had. The weaknesses I would have to overcome. The people on Argo showed me my flaws, but not how to correct them.

There are three ways of knowledge. The things we know we know. The things we know we don't know and the things we don't know we don't know.

To get what you want you have to deserve what you want. To deserve it you must first have respect for it, then earn it. That's in anything in life. Friendship, position, lover.

When you're afraid and your down on your mindset, what are you thinking about? Obligation, selfish reasons? Opportunity? Prosperity?

If I don't stand up and tell you my sins, am I able to be seen by those and lead by example? Think about it. Think about what you stand for. Is it who you are? Or what you have chosen to become.

You can all make changes to yourself. You can always be that bit nicer to mother, brother, sister, friend and foe. You need to realise the reason for change and do one thing each day to get you to where you want to go.

So what I do differently? I read more. I listen more. I challenge myself more and if I fail, if I fall down. I stay down for an hour, a day or a week, but I make the conscience decision to get back up. To be more than I am today. To move in the direction that's right. If it's not right I try to make it right. This is the message I give you and myself for its actions that speak louder than words.

It's time to change. For I must change in order to grow. I'm not there yet. I still miss beats in the rhythm of life. I'm not always as sharp as I should be, but I have a new frame of mind.

What is the change? The people who I listen to. The people who I trust, the environment I put myself in, the attitudes I take on-board. I realise choice rules our life. We think people are better than us. They aren't and they don't think that about us but if we think we are then we will always be Worse. There is a story of a girl who for most of her life said was told she wasn't good enough. She accepted that and never tried. She was never good at anything until one day someone gave her inspiration. From this day she has triumphed. If you look at the stars of the world, they have all had to come over their hardships.

Are you stuck out in some kind of hole? I was.

You change your mindset, go past what you think is right and wrong, experiment push yourself, break barriers, test your comfort zone and limits then you get to a place you never realised. This is what I did about two months ago.

It's not easy, it takes willpower. It didn't come overnight. In fact it took 18 months Just to get on the right road. But it's something everyone can do if they just try.

So what am I doing? Message of inspiration? Message of attention? Neither. It's merely my way of saying sorry to those who need to hear it. It's my way of helping those who are in a worse frame of mind as me. And it's showing the community of Argonath how they need to challenge people around them. To keep others in check. Do you think if Dino had got together with others and told me, enough is enough I would have listened? Yes. The trouble was only a few were honest enough to say. It clouded my thoughts.

When only a few have the courage to day something who you trust, and many don't see what you've done. Judge on what others have said and not seen for themselves, it's difficult to see what the problem is. But get enough of the right guidance, enough slaps in your face and you'll soon start to see the cracks in your foundations.
There's two things I would like everyone on Argonath to think about and take action on. If there's one thing today that you need to start doing, develop the courage to stand out and push towards it. If there's one thing you need to stop doing, develop the drive to stop it. Perhaps it's negativity that's strangling your potential. Perhaps it's others who you think are bringing you down. Know that it's only what you think about yourself that has the power for change. If your think your fat, you'll make a change to go thinner. If you think you're complacent and happy where you are, think about what commitments you can make to yourself to go that step further.

There are poets here, sports professionals, programmers, writers, doctors, teachers and leaders reading this right now. Are you following your dream? If not when did you give up? Why did you give up? What stopped you?

My story is, I stopped believing in myself. When I got community leader I got bitter and didn't want to change. In 2010 I had an abusive relationship with a guy, Argonath showed me a new way of being. It also showed me how to love again. It distilled loving and caring values for fellow man, fellow woman and child. It gave me what I was lacking. It made a leader out of me.

I now stand before you on the forum as a guy who has had to overcome many barriers. Many bad truths. There's a ton of people on here that without their help I wouldn't be where I am today. I look forward in them reading this message. Learning from it.

Start being yourself, you can't run from your problems, your life or your family. Instead you have to work on them. Love yourself Argo. You're capable of more than you think. Look at the examples around you.

My love to you Argo.

Dell.

[Nathan]

Dell, my question is... now what?

[Rapper]

:/

[Drix]

For the TL;Dr;ers version.

[Danny Soulson]

  i miss you man, welcome back


~Noire, Chris warrener , Danny soulson

[beLTa]

Okay.

[TiMoN]

Hi Dell.

[Axison]

I don't know what to say. Thats only because i don't know what the fuck is happening. But whatever it is, Welcome back. <3

[Lustigkurre]

alright.

[Volcom]

i already noticed you lost your admin status on forum, dude we learn from the mistakes, you made a mistake but you was good enough to recognize it and learn from it, not everybody is capable of that


Welcome back 

[TiMoN]

i already noticed you lost your admin status on forum, dude we learn from the mistakes, you made a mistake but you was good enough to recognize it and learn from it, not everybody is capable of that


Welcome back 

Every inactive admin had their rights removed.

[jannik852]

“Judge not, and you will not be judged;
condemn not, and you will not be condemned;
forgive, and you will be forgiven".
- Luke 6:37

[psyron]

“Judge not, and you will not be judged;
condemn not, and you will not be condemned;
forgive, and you will be forgiven".
- Luke 6:37

daayuummmmmmm +1

[Volcom]

Every inactive admin had their rights removed.

didn't know

[Khm]