Funny jokes and Stories

[Rusty]

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A Brick.

[Malcolm]

i dont get it?

Uhm. Booner.

[Oliver]

i dont get it?

When a pretty lady sits on your lap and you're straight/bi you usually get what adults call an erection. You see, a man has to get an erection to have intercourse with a woman to impregnate her, but it's a WHOOOLE different story.

[pixy]

Found this one at an old World War 2 magazine.

Major General (addressing the men before practicing an attack in the training camp behind the front lines).
"I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REHEARSAL AND THE REAL THING.
THERE ARE THREE ESSENTIAL DIFFERENCES. FIRST, THE ABSENCE OF THE ENEMY.
NOW (turning to the Sergeant major), WHAT IS THE SECOND DIFFERENCE?
Sergeant Major: "THE ABSENCE OF THE GENERAL, SIR"

[Chuck_Norris]

When a pretty lady sits on your lap and you're straight/bi you usually get what adults call an erection. You see, a man has to get an erection to have intercourse with a woman to impregnate her, but it's a WHOOOLE different story.

why would somebody do a bad thing like 'intercourse'

[Leonid]

pretty old but here it goes

you know the sentence "nothing stands in front of a will" (or somth like that)
well some times the "Thing" doesn't stand so right/left hand starts to work and help it stand.

[Call_me_Dad]

An FBI Detective listens to an Audio file, recorded from a hidden equipment in a Prostitution centre.
Out of every 10 cases, 3 are : "Hi Mom"

[Jubin]

How professors grade their exam

Department of statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Department of psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Department of history:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

Department of religion:
Grade is determined by God.

Department of philosophy:
What is a grade?

Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Department of mathematics:
Grades are variable.

Department of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Department of computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Department of physical education:
Everybody gets an A.

[Aksel]

whats yellow and brown ?


an african pichachu.

[Jubin]

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. "Anything??"

"Absolutely anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

And another one

Let's face it, English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
And French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down.
And in which you fill in a form,
By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers.
And it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why,
When the stars are out, they are visible
But when the lights are out, they are invisible
And it's why when I wind up my watch,
It starts.
But when I wind up this poem,
It ends.

[Altair_Carter]

How do you call a guy without left ear, left arm and left leg?


ALRIGHT !!!!!!!!!

[Duncan_James]

Once upon a time a man went to the doctor and told him:

The man: Doctor always when i sleep on night i see in my dreams a footbal ligue of cats and i don't know why
The Doctor: Try to not sleep today and do some activity
The Man: I can't , doctor.Because today is the final match

---------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time 2 old grannys passed near a young guy :
The first granny said to the boy: Would you marry me?,
The young guy: I marry a dog and i would not marry you...
The second granny shouts: woof woof woof

---------------------------------------------------------

2 Old grannys had a night watching Wrestling on TV
The first granny turned off instantly the TV , So the second granny asked her "Why did you do that?" , The first granny answered: "They would kill each other if i didn't turn TV Off".

---------------------------------------------------------

Once a old granny went to a family that lost a young man on the family
The granny asked the father of the boy : How did he die , Sir?
The Father: His friend was playing By Deagle with him and he accidentally shooted on my son's head...
The granny: It's better that he didn't got it on his eyes...

---------------------------------------------------------

A old granny jumped on the ocean and suicided . Guess why? So people would say she was from titanic's victims.

---------------------------------------------------------

Once a time a teacher and a student , So :
Teacher: Student , Can you give me three animals that snake:
Student: Snake , Worm & My little brother...

---------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time , an old granny hates herself , a day when she was walking on the streets , she felt down , So she said to herself: Good for you! hah

---------------------------------------------------------

Once a time , a guy sleeped too late on the night , he missed the dream

---------------------------------------------------------

Once a time a teacher Science a technology , When she had a baby , she named him : CO2

---------------------------------------------------------

Once a time , a kid said to his mom :

Kid: Mum , what's what on your stomache (She was pregnant)
Mother: It's your brother , Kid.
Kid: Why did you eat him !!!

---------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: Student , what are the 3 most used words at Students ?
Student: It's "I don't know".

---------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: Student , from where we import the tea (the teacher meant from Which country?)
Student: From the nighboors.

---------------------------------------------------------

Once a time , a school inspector entered a class to see how's the class , And the teacher wanted to sleep , So the teacher said: And like that the man sleeps...

---------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time , a Man in army has his eyes turned (you know what i mean) , So the general putted him on the Random Shooting division...

---------------------------------------------------------

Once a time , an old granny went to the doctor and told him :

Granny:Doctor , i have a problem: each thing or object i see it i see it as 2 objects not only one
Doctor:Ok i will tell you what to do (Doctor writes some medical stuff to buy)
Granny: Thanks doctor , How much do i need to pay you?
Doctor: 40 dollars , Ma'am
* Granny takes out 20 dollars and gives it to the Doctor
Doctor: Ma'am you gave me 20 dollars not 40 dollars
Granny: I told you that each object i see i see it double , So it's 40 dollars , Sir...
* Doctor gets confused...

********************************************

Enjoy , xD !

[James_Alterlis]

Once a time , a kid said to his mom :

Kid: Mum , what's what on your stomache (She was pregnant)
Mother: It's your brother , Kid.
Kid: Why did you eat him !!!

Thai's jokes  :trust:

Good job Duncan  :razz:

[Duncan_James]

Thai's jokes  :trust:

Good job Duncan  :razz:

That's not yours

Thank you btw :P

[James_Alterlis]

That's not yours

Thank you btw :P

Ye, it's not mine but it's Thai's jokes  :poke:

 :razz: