**My own Crime Story**

[iDavid]

It's a dark evening at The «Gardoni Hotel». Old Sean McFraud was a rich man, and stayed there the night before they all went to safari in India.
Martin Gardoni, the owner of the hotel, was also going to the safari.
There was a lot people at the hotel this evening, everyone was going to the safari the next day, but someone it was like Sir. McFraud had lost something.
Jack Collins is a known detective in England and was also going here to the safari, regular he was going to the safari as a vacation but, he did get something he didn't expect...
“So, why are you here tonight?” asked McFraud to Jack.
“I was going here for my vacation, good to see you Sean. You looks good tonight” answered Jack, and then they did sit there and talk the rest of the night.
“No, I'll better go to bed” said McFraud. “Yes, we are all going up early tomorrow”
said Jack, and then they went to bed.
The next they everyone in the hotel met in the lobby.
“Ok, now we are going to the desert, all find their places in a bus!” shouted Frank Harrison, the leader of the trip.
Everyone found their places and all went to the desert. When they was there it was hot, at least  35° Celsius. And the sun did nearly burn them all.
It was early on the Friday morning, “Martin, were is Darren?” asked Sir. McFraud.
“Isn't he here?” answered Martin Gardoni. Everyone did look at McFraud, “Is there something wrong, Sir.?” asked Liam Jones. “No, but we have forgotten two people at the hotel.” said McFraud silent. “And who is that?” asked Liam, son of Terry Jones an old friend of McFraud. “It's Darren, but, we forgotten, Mr. Caporani” said McFraud. “Oh my god! He has right we forgotten Nathan Caporani!” shouted Martin in panic. Someone went back to get it and not surprising, and suspicious that guy was, Martin Gardoni himself. Frank Harrison and his group did continue to the camp they was going to live in this week. When they did come there everyone got their room and so on. Then at 19:45 they all met outside it was now just 25° Celsius.
“Ah, there comes Martin with both Darren and Nathan.” said Mr. Harrison.
Darren McFraud son of Sean McFraud, was also rich. The family had a special ability to do good business, and invest in the right thing. Nathan Caporani was a mafia, but always kind to innocent people, that wasn't involved in any kind of their business.
“Now we are going to go for a walk!” shouted Frank.
“Come in to us and get a coffee.” said David, and before anyone else could answer said Martin “Yes! Thank you, please”.
All went into their cottage. “I'll make the coffee, is there anyone who would like tea?” said Jake. “I can get tea” said McFraud. “Of course you can Sir.” said Jake.
Jack Collins went out to take a smoke and there he saw Martin and David discussing  
something. “He will die this week, but I don't know how.” said David.
“Well, you know it pretty hot on those days. Maybe he'll die of the heat” answered Martin. Jack took up his smoke and lighted it. “Oh, Jack Collins, good to see you!” shouted Martin.  ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…“Well, yes it might be good to see me, but more I'm actually wanting to hear how your hotel is going Mr. Gardoni.” answered Jack.
“Oh, my hotel... Nothing special with that it has a good run and is earning good money. How are you?” said Martin. Jack took a smoke and continued thinking.
“I'm fine, but see you inside.” said Jack at last, and went back in.
After drinking the coffee all went back to the camp, but on the way something suspicious happened. Isaac Faller was suddenly sick. And they had to carry him the way back to the camp. It was night and the last two who set up was again Jack Collins and Sean McFraud. “How has your day been, Sean?” asked Jack.
“Not fabulous but, it has been nice. To much walking I think” answered Sean.
And then they went to bed too.
The next day all wake up when they heard a scream. It sounded like Mrs. Diaz.
Jack took his jacket on and was running the direction he heard the scream.
The doctor at the camp, Garry Adams did the same thing.
“Mrs. Diaz what is it?” asked Jack. Mrs. Diaz pointed at the bathroom.
Jack went in and there was Darren McFraud with a lot water and blood.
“Hmm... This was weird” said Jack, and took his camera up and took a picture of the body. Garry Adams was looking at the dead body and tried to find out how Darren was killed. “What will Sean McFraud say when he hear his son died in my bathroom”
said Mrs. Diaz scared. “He wont get angry at you I hope” said Garry.
Martin Gardoni stormed in the tent Mrs. Diaz lived in.
“What the f**k, has happened here?!” shouted Mr. Gardoni.
“Calm Martin. It's Darren he's killed” said Jack.
Jack went out and took a look around the area with his eyes.
Only suspicious thing he saw was an old knife that looked water clean.
He picked up the knife and putted it in his bag.
He went back to the camp and walked up to Nathan Caporani's tent.
“Nathan, you have my respect and loyalty as a weapon master. How long ago was this knife used?” said Jack. “This... is a rusty old knife. But it has been in water in this night. Might have been used to stab or cut in the last three days.” answered Mr. Caporani. “Well... How many times have it stabbed or cut?” wanted Jack to know to identify how many kills there could have been. “Well... It looks like it has been 2-3 cuts or stabs” he answered. Jack did go to the camp.
He did check all of the tents, then when he was going to the one he was most afraid of. “Oh my holy god!” Jack shouted, and continued with, “Sean! Over here. Our friend Frank is dead.”. Sir. McFraud did come as fast as he could.
Not only Frank heard the message, both Caporani and Gardoni heard it.
And both did come in.
“What about Isaac? Is he dead?” asked Caporani. “Oh lord! He wasn't in his tent.”
Jack and Caporani did go to find a Desert Rally Bike.
They took one each and drove to Jake and David's cottage.
They stopped their bikes a little way away from the hut. That way Jake and David couldn't hear they coming. Jack was already at the cottage and did hear the voice of
Isaac, “Yes I heard some shouting this night.”. “Did you kill McFraud?!” shouted David. “I haven't killed anybody, I'm looking for Jake.” answered Isaac.
“You was going to kill him!” shouted David back.
“Who was going to kill who?” asked Jake when he stepped inside the door.
Jack entered and said “I think I forgotten something here yesterday.”.
“You didn't” said Isaac. “Yeah I did I forgotten both you and Jake and David.
And took them back to the camp.
This was the last night in the safari and all had a discussion.
“But, where is Jennifer McFraud” asked Nathan Caporani.
“She's sitting in the sun felt.” answered Sean.
“Oh my gosh, she must be dead!” shouted Jack and was running to the sun garden,
there he found Jennifer. And carried her in the big meeting tent.
Now the discussion was up who killed who.
“I had to say that many people are suspected in this. But only one has killed.
The first homicide was a drastic murderer that easily could have been performed by Mr. Cane Diaz. But there we were wrong. The second murder was the same killer.
And the third was a amazing plan, but not smart enough for Jack Collins.
And the fourth murder is going on right now. And all performed by Garry Adams himself!” “How?!” shouted Garry.
“Easy, the first your old and “rusty” knife wasn't smart enough. Second easy the same tent. Easy stab and he was dead.
Third one poison and she couldn't say a word and did get burned to death, overheated. But last and most amazing. Murder on Isaac, a pill and next time he sleeps he's dead. Amazing” said Jack surprising to all.
“But... How did... How...? Your an amazing detective Mr. Collins I have to say that.”
said Mr. Adams.
“Thanks, but now your in jail” said Jack at last.
And then the trip was over all went back to Gardoni Hotel.

[iDavid]

Please Comment

Signed, [WS]David

[Voodoo]

You should really work on your prononcuation, like where it should be "Were", there is "Was". And you repeat things like "They went to the safari, and then after 20 minutes, they left the safari". You should do it more lik this "They went to the safari, and then after 20 minutes, they left"

[iDavid]

Maybe something tells you all when I say I'm just 14 years old and are from Norway

[Jubin]

Well David, first of all, it is good to see, that you enjoy writing. It develops your thinking in a broader way. Now to the story part. I didn't read all of it, because some of the things in it bothered me so much that I gave up. Two major aspects that interfered my reading: First - small vocabulary. I saw word "safari" on every sentence there was at the beginning of the story. Second: I know that it is usually a rule that when you make up a dialogue you have to use "" and then who said it. But when it comes to writing stories you can only use "" for dialogues, you don't have to add who is talking atm.
For example.
"Son, get over here, I wanna talk to you about what you did today in school!"
" Mom, I know I messed up, but it wasn't really my fault."
"Oh yeah, who's fault was it then?"
"Tom's, he cheated off my work, but as he gave his paper in before me it looked like I had taken all the answers from his test"

See, even though I actually didn't say who was talking we all understand between whom the dialogue is happening.

I hope I didn't now take away your fun, what you had while writing stories.   

[iDavid]

Well David, first of all, it is good to see, that you enjoy writing. It develops your thinking in a broader way. Now to the story part. I didn't read all of it, because some of the things in it bothered me so much that I gave up. Two major aspects that interfered my reading: First - small vocabulary. I saw word "safari" on every sentence there was at the beginning of the story. Second: I know that it is usually a rule that when you make up a dialogue you have to use "" and then who said it. But when it comes to writing stories you can only use "" for dialogues, you don't have to add who is talking atm.
For example.
"Son, get over here, I wanna talk to you about what you did today in school!"
" Mom, I know I messed up, but it wasn't really my fault."
"Oh yeah, who's fault was it then?"
"Tom's, he cheated off my work, but as he gave his paper in before me it looked like I had taken all the answers from his test"

See, even though I actually didn't say who was talking we all understand between whom the dialogue is happening.

I hope I didn't now take away your fun, what you had while writing stories.   

No. I'm just glad for tips from someone who is more "experianced" than me
Thanks for the tips.