Jokes,Funny stories,Etc

[Altair_Carter]

The point of this thread is to post here funny jokes,stories,well everything,what is funny :P (in the meaning of writing)
WARNING:No pictures please

[Amon Ra]

Cant think of any thing mate, sorry 

[Shadow009]

Cant think of any thing mate, sorry 

Postcount +1, would you like some praise with that?

ontopic:

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Alsatian]

Postcount +1, would you like some praise with that?

ontopic:

Lol, seen that joke before 

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

[PMP]

Not mine, just some copypasta

So Im on Facebook playing with this Pokemon Application, spam sending pokemans so I can unlock more in my pokdex. BUT at the same time, I have to recieve em all too. So my sister (3 yrs older than me) leaves the room and her laptop in our computer room, right there behind me. Im like, sweet, shes still logged on to HER facebook, I'll just add the Pokemon app, send some pokemans from her profile to mine, delete fucking everything, she'll never know. So I send as many as I can and get too excited that I forget to delete the app from her profile. She comes back, find her new app and realized I used her laptop without her permission. My sister goes into a rage like I read her diary or found her secret stash of CP or stole her bike and starts clawing at me furiously. "YOU FUCKIN INVADE MY PRIVACY IM GONNA KILL YOU YOURE DEAD!!!" all kinds of threats. I remembered from Discovery Channel that if youre attacked by an animal, block your face with your arms, so thats what I did. Of course, that makes you blind, so I didnt see the matress behind me. I fell on that and my sister jumped on top of me, still trying to claw at my face. She puts her nails on hold and grabs my arms, trying to pry them from my face. Now shes like 110 lbs or so, so shes yanking on my arms like it was the sword stuck in the stone. Now, despite my cuts and her rage, that bouncing motion kind of gave me a hard on...and she felt it...
so she just stops moving completely. She starts moving her hips a bit against me, still hold on my arms. I let her move my arms away, and she stops moving. She looks at me, and at least to me, in super slow motion, I see her face grow from unbelief to the pure rage of satan. At the top of he lungs, she screams "YOU HAVE A FUCKING HARD ON?!?!" Thats when my parents decide to investigate the matter and they see my sister on me cowgirl style on top of my matress...

All I wanted was some pokemon

[SCReAMoKiD]

doesnt this topic already exist :S

sorry for off topic post

[Squeak]

Not mine, just some copypasta

So Im on Facebook playing with this Pokemon Application, spam sending pokemans so I can unlock more in my pokdex. BUT at the same time, I have to recieve em all too. So my sister (3 yrs older than me) leaves the room and her laptop in our computer room, right there behind me. Im like, sweet, shes still logged on to HER facebook, I'll just add the Pokemon app, send some pokemans from her profile to mine, delete f**king everything, she'll never know. So I send as many as I can and get too excited that I forget to delete the app from her profile. She comes back, find her new app and realized I used her laptop without her permission. My sister goes into a rage like I read her diary or found her secret stash of CP or stole her bike and starts clawing at me furiously. "YOU f**kIN INVADE MY PRIVACY IM GONNA KILL YOU YOURE DEAD!!!" all kinds of threats. I remembered from Discovery Channel that if youre attacked by an animal, block your face with your arms, so thats what I did. Of course, that makes you blind, so I didnt see the matress behind me. I fell on that and my sister jumped on top of me, still trying to claw at my face. She puts her nails on hold and grabs my arms, trying to pry them from my face. Now shes like 110 lbs or so, so shes yanking on my arms like it was the sword stuck in the stone. Now, despite my cuts and her rage, that bouncing motion kind of gave me a hard on...and she felt it...
so she just stops moving completely. She starts moving her hips a bit against me, still hold on my arms. I let her move my arms away, and she stops moving. She looks at me, and at least to me, in super slow motion, I see her face grow from unbelief to the pure rage of satan. At the top of he lungs, she screams "YOU HAVE A f**kING HARD ON?!?!" Thats when my parents decide to investigate the matter and they see my sister on me cowgirl style on top of my matress...

All I wanted was some pokemon

I feel I've seen that somewhere before, but I can't say where for fear of being attacked by meme's.

[Matthew_Cipricla]

Why arent you supposed to breath while in the cemetery?

[Squeak]

Why arent you supposed to breath while in the cemetery?

I don't know, why?

[Matthew_Cipricla]

You might make the dead jealous.

[Squeak]

You might make the dead jealous.

That was one of those jokes where I laughed a bit, then brushed it off saying it was stupid.

[Matthew_Cipricla]

Ye I heard it from the Sopranos so dont expect much....

I got some but I dont want people to get offended lol.

[Alsatian]

A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a roadside cafe in the middle of the night for a dinner stop. Halfway through his meal, three wild-looking motorcyclists roared up–bearded, leather-jacketed, filthy.

For no reason at all, they selected the truck driver as a target. One poured pepper over his head, another stole his apple pie, the third deliberately tipped his coffee over. The truck driver never said one word, just stood up, paid his check, and left.

“That truck driver sure ain’t much of a fighter,” sneered one of the bikers.

The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, “He doesn’t seem to be much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over three motorcycles.”

 

[stiffler2100]

i have a few black jokes but i might get told off lol.

[Alsatian]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."