Funny jokes and Stories

[Oliver]

maybe it's stud and dying?

Was just about to say that :|

[Billy_Hobo]

Been stuck with this bloody crossword all day: ''Famous Jewish Baker'', 5 and 6 letters. Got it in the end - Adolf Hitler.

  LMFAO

[Voodoo]

A lawyer, Michael Jackson and 20 kids are on a plane. The plane is about to crash. The lawyer says "Screw the children and let's go"

Michael replies "I know, but will we have enough time?"

[Aksel]

A lawyer, Michael Jackson and 20 kids are on a plane. The plane is about to crash. The lawyer says "Screw the children and let's go"

Michael replies "I know, but will we have enough time?"

LOL

[TheRealStof]

yo mommas so fat they went to an airport and she got busted for 200kg's of crack -- boom boom shhh

yo mommas so old she sat behind jesus in 3rd grade

yo mommas so fat she had to get baptised at sea world

yo mommas so fat she plays pool with the planets

there was once a boy named George, george walks in on his mum stuffing a chicken and she sliced her finger and yells fuck! George says, what does that mean? his mum says its another word for stuffing a chicken. he walks in the shower and overhears his parents saying stick your penis in my vagina he asks...what is a penis and a vagina? his mum says its another word for hats and coats. his parents have an arguement and the mother calls the father a b*stard and the husband calls the wife a b*tch, he asks what does that mean? they say b*tch is a polite way of saying woman and b*stard is a polite way of saying man. the next morning he walks into his dad shaving and his dad cuts himself and says SHIT and the son asks what is that? he says it is a type of shaving cream.
So George prepares a script to say to the family when they arrive at thanksgiving. it goes like this:
Hello b*tches and b*stards, may i take your penis' and vaginas? my parents will be ready shortly, my mum is in the kitchen fucking a chicken and my dad is in the bathroom wiping shit all over his face, so if you would join me in the living room until they are ready would be good.

i like being immature

[Jubin]

Argonath math test (LA high school exam)

Johnny has an AK47. If he misses 6 shots out of 10 and every time shoots 15 times toward a car. How many cars does he has to shoot, so he would hit 50 people.

Little Willy got 6 years for murder. He got $25000 for it. If her wife spends $250 every month, then how much money does he have left, when he gets out of prison. And how much does he do time, for killing a bitch, who spent his money?

Kathy gets $125 for every illegal migrant she brings over border. For six nights she brought 3 guys each night over border, but then one of them took her 500$ and dissapeared. How much money Kathy have?

Hector got 5 girls from his gang pregnant. In their gang there is total 27 girls. In what percentage of girls Hector had his way? And how the percentage changes, if really Hector got pregnant only 3 girls, 2 of them are on the count of his right hand Victor, and what will happen to Victor, if Hector finds out?

If usually one spray-can covers 22 square feet and normal letter takes 8 square feet, then how many letters can teenager make with 8 spray-can

Willie gets $200 for a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a Land Rover. If he has grand theft auto 2 BMW and 3 Land Rovers then how many Chevy's does he has to steal, to get 800$?

Paul has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells 10 gram of it to Jackson for $820 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 dollars per gram. What is the average price of cocaine on the street?

[saxin7]

A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were
asked if they would ever sleep with President
Clinton. 60% said, 'Never again!'

  In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of
   a man's penis was
   larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded
   that the reason the
   head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure
   during sex.
   After the study was published, the University of South Carolina
   decided to do their own
   study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that
   the reason was to
   give the woman more pleasure during sex.
   The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted
   their own study.
   After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was
   to keep a man's
   hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it
is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy
it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I
have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit
again, you're in my closet now."

That's all  :cool:

[Freedom]

lmao saxin @ the and one

www.fmylife.com - many funny things that actually happened to ppl.

[Voodoo]

I really lol'd at this one:


One of my apartment neighbors was dead for 5 days without anyone knowing it. And I was joking to the other neighbors he was probably dead.

[Aksel]

Your mom is so fat that she is registered as a Semi-truck.

[Drix]

Your mom is so fat that she is registered as a Semi-truck.

Not funny -,-

[Alsatian]

A professor is sent to darkest part of Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them. He teaches them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

 

[JDC]

LOL

[ElMartu]

A professor is sent to darkest part of Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them. He teaches them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

 

A lawyer, Michael Jackson and 20 kids are on a plane. The plane is about to crash. The lawyer says "Screw the children and let's go"

Michael replies "I know, but will we have enough time?"

lold

[Amon Ra]

Alright just this tiny thing before I start, in Islam there are 6 parts in heaven, like levels.. and god is in the last level, which is the 6th


There was this guy, and he was a sinner.
Before he died, he gave a penny to an old poor woman.

When he went to the sky, Gabriel (An angel) told him: Your a sinner you go into Hell !!

The guy: But I gave this lady a penny, i did a good thing !!
Gabriel: Okay but u stay in the first level of heaven

The guys reaches the next level:

The guy: I dont deserve to be here, I want a further level !!!! and tells the story about his penny.

The guy reaches the 3rd level:

The guy: I dont deserve to be here, I want a further level !!! and tells the story about his penny.

And etc... till he reached 6th level

The guy to GOD: I gave this old woman a Penny and I deserve to be in the 7th level

God to Gabriel (The angel) : Give him his penny and tell him to GTFO