Funny jokes and Stories

[juni_09]

Alright just this tiny thing before I start, in Islam there are 6 parts in heaven, like levels.. and god is in the last level, which is the 6th


There was this guy, and he was a sinner.
Before he died, he gave a penny to an old poor woman.

When he went to the sky, Gabriel (An angel) told him: Your a sinner you go into Hell !!

The guy: But I gave this lady a penny, i did a good thing !!
Gabriel: Okay but u stay in the first level of heaven

The guys reaches the next level:

The guy: I dont deserve to be here, I want a further level !!!! and tells the story about his penny.

The guy reaches the 3rd level:

The guy: I dont deserve to be here, I want a further level !!! and tells the story about his penny.

And etc... till he reached 6th level

The guy to GOD: I gave this old woman a Penny and I deserve to be in the 7th level

God to Gabriel (The angel) : Give him his penny and tell him to GTFO

nice

[Amon Ra]

nice

I know its bad, its only funny in arabic way

[Miami]

A professor is sent to darkest part of Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them. He teaches them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

 

LOL Thats a good one ;D

[MisterSjeiks]

Today, some girl punched me in the face and left a huge purple bruise. Apparently her boyfriend has been cheating on her with me because she always sees him walking me home. Her boyfriend is my older brother who didn't bother telling her who I was because "he wanted to see what she would do.
www.fmylife.com these are all reallife stories

[Jubin]

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

The following questions were set in last years GCSE examination in England.

These are genuine answers from 16 year olds, not very bright, but entertaining, 16 year olds.


Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term Caesarean section
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word benign mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[MisterSjeiks]

Your momma's so fat she works in the cinema as a screen ^.^

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Post Merge: April 17, 2010, 06:05:20 pmA guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."

The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"

The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."

The guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"

The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"

[Altair_Carter]

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[Call_me_Dad]

A Teacher asks a student:
Tell me the name of the bird by looking at its leg.

Student: I dont know sir.

Teacher: You have failed, tell me your name.

The student shows his leg, "Find out yourself"...
================

Boyfriend: Shall i play with your b**bs?
Girl: No
Boyfriend: Shall i play with your b**bs?
Girl: No
Boyfriend: Shall i play with your b**bs?
Girl: No
Boyfriend: Shall i play with your b**bs?
Girl takes off 2 melons out of her shirt, " Here, enjoy!"

[TheRealStof]

i was rubbing up a friend at her house and i didnt know but her dad was standing behind us and could see my hand under the towel and moving around :S

[tiderman]

A redneck, a mexican and a black guy was sitting in a bar.
They had a pretty good time despite their cultural differences.

[MisterSjeiks]

Lies, impossible.

[TheRealStof]

A redneck, a mexican and a black guy was sitting in a bar.
They had a pretty good time despite their cultural differences.

hahahahaaha

[Marius]

Your momma's so fat she works in the cinema as a screen ^.^

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Post Merge: April 17, 2010, 06:05:20 pmA guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."

The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"

The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."

The guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"

The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"

awhahwahh

[Joosty]

A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.

"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."

[MadOne]

Under no circumstances i am being racist. Its just qoutes from facebook groups. If facebook allows it, im pretty sure its fine here to. I find it funny, so im sharing it with others.

"KFC. Made by the white. Eaten by the Black. Served by the Asians."

"White people get grounded. Black people get beats. Asians get sold."