Funny Texts!

[Carbon]

Okay, i start with one :

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the male driver.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver?

"No way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh"?
Quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy "OK, I know what you want; I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car"? Asked the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it!"

 

[James_Alterlis]

lawl?

[Alsatian]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

[Jserg]

Rofl Carbon, really nice one

[Oliver]

Lol Carbon, reminds me of a Juku anecdote.

And lol Alsatian.

 He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He sveered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver.

Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"



 A blonde woman boards an airplane. She is extremely exhausted and just wants to take a nap. She finally finds her seat and sits down next to a very curious young man.

He wants to test the whole dub blonde thing and possibly make some money out of it. "Hey, wanna play a game?" he asks her. "No thank you, i just want to take a nap." "Please, its really easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that i ask you. If you don't know the answer, then you give me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then Ill give you five dollars."

"I really don't want to do this. I just want to take a nap."

"Oh but PLEASE pretty please. Okay, how about if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll give you five hundred dollars." The blonde woman became interested and decided to play the game.

"Okay. How many moons does jupiter have?" the young man asked. The woman reached into her purse and took out a five dollar bill. "What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?".

The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches all over the internet for an answered. Flustered and confused, the young man hand the blonde five hundred dollars.

After a few hours, the young man was itching to know the answer to the question."What was the answer to the riddle?" the blonde woman reached into her purse and handed the young man a five dollar bill.

[VeLuX]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

Haaaah 

[rJCaiG]

A cat falls in a pool, a rooster laughs. Moral of the story, a wet pussy makes a cock feel good.


Why is the pope and all his priests having their catholic mass at Randwick Racecourse? Cause it's the only place where they can legally ride a 3 year old.


The post office has just released a new stamp in the shape of a clitoris - it's not selling too well as only 3 percent of mailes know how to lick it properly.

[Call_me_Dad]

^

NEWS: A 2-seater plane crashes in a graveyard, 200 dead , 2 injured.

[Alsatian]

A cat falls in a pool, a rooster laughs. Moral of the story, a wet pussy makes a cock feel good.

ROFL! 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[Kitsune]

ROFL! 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

OH GOD, LOL!!!

[Oliver]

ROFL! 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

OWNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[schfifty]

Sir John Wadsworth ( 93 years old), a great African Safari hunter and millionaire was being interviewed by a British Newspaper:

"Sir, could you tell us a great hunting story?"

"Why of course, well lets see here, I was sneaking through the savannah one day. I heard a rustle in the bushes. I pulled my rifle towards the bushes and took aim so that if anything came out, I would load her with lead. Suddenly, the biggest lion I have seen in my entire 93 years came out and roared. RAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRFGHHH!. I shit myself."

"What?! You, possibly the greatest hunter that has ever lived soiled yourself at the sight of a lion?"

"No, just now when I said, RAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRFGHHH!"

[Indica]

A son and father are bathing together. The son looks at his father's penis and asks, "Dad, why does your penis look different than mine?" The father looks at his son and replies "because yours isn't erect."

[Alsatian]

A son and father are bathing together. The son looks at his father's penis and asks, "Dad, why does your penis look different than mine?" The father looks at his son and replies "because yours isn't erect."

LMAO! 

[Jubin]

Well news are funny too.

Pool got my daughter pregnant

A Polish mum is suing an Egyptian hotel after claiming her daughter got pregnant using their mixed swimming pool.

The bizarre claim surfaced as Magdalena Kwiatkowska demanded compensation after her 13-year-old daughter came back from the family holiday expecting a baby.

Tourist authorities in Warsaw confirmed they had received the complaint which states that the girl conceived because of stray sperm in the pool.

"The mother is adamant that her daughter didn't meet any boys while she was there and is determined to go ahead with the case," said one travel industry source.